Ballerina polish

[Alexandra]

A post on another thread reminded me of the subject of Ballerina Polish and a discussion we had about it on alt.arts.ballet long ago. Someone made a comment that ballerina polish was in short supply these days, I posted a response, and then the thread took off, with people adding to the list of "products". Since we're in the 'tween season doldrums, I thought it might be worth a retread.

Here's my original post, responding to someone bemoaning the fact that he didn't see polished ballerinas anymore:

Dear Sir or Madam:

We understand that you are looking for ballerina polish. VVV Enterprises, Inc., Ltd. have long been fine purveyors of several products which may fill your needs. These polishes are usually quite expensive, but, now that the current state of depletion has been brought to our attention, we just may be able to supply bulk quantities and ease the shortage.

Among the products Triple Vee offers are the following:

Epaule and Epaule-Plus.

Epaule is for the shoulders, while epaule-plus (a slightly more pricey polish) will bring the head and neck into alignment, add expressiveness, AND insure epaulement.

DePerk

Wipes that silly grin off and replaces it with a serene smile of

classical composure.

Harmonia

Insures that pyrotechnics are harnessed and deployed in service of the choreography and the music.

Best used in connection with

Armonia Super

Causes a tingling in the arms to remind the dancer that he or she possesses arms AND helps harmonize the upper limbs with the rest of the body.

Is this what you had in mind?

All of our polishes are suitable to both male and female dancers and can be tailor made to match your stylistic preferences. (An a la Russe line is available, for example.) Please note that the polishes do not work on their own. They require application (and a whole lot of elbow grease) on the part of the teacher or coach, and the polished product is best used by an artistic director with two working eyes and a refined taste. (We sell taste

pills too, but they don't come cheap.)

Do let us know if you're interested, and how much you're willing to pay. Also, if there are any specialty products you'd like, we'll try to oblige.

Yours truly,

VVV Enterprises, Inc., Ltd.

Celestial Towers

[Hans]

Do you carry AchilleStretch, which keeps the heels firmly fixed to the floor during demi-pliés? I understand it is not for use with Balanchine dancers.

How about PullItIn, which keeps the stomach muscles lifted? I think it's also known as Belly-Spine.

[Andrei]

Alexandra, do you have a glove's departement in your store? I'd like to have some, that could hold the proper finegrs position, so we can see classical ballet hands, but not shovels.

[Alexandra]

Thank you, gentlemen. Andrei, we do have a glove department; we do NOT carry mittens, just gloves with fingers, as you require.

Hans, we shall instantly add the products you suggest to your catalogue.

[Mary J]

Adapt-a-Role allows you to put a unique stamp on that cherished ballet role you have spent years competing for. In just minutes. Included in this one package are:

glimmer of a thought: yes, you can use your brain while dancing, even if you usually put it in neutral, or leave it in your dressing room.

wisp of motivation: you always knew that this role required more than the right costume. Let this wisp give the audience a sense that you are a real human being, even if it isn't true!

hint of musicality: you CAN stop counting. We guarantee it. Once you begin to feel the music, you may be able to discontinue use of this part of the package altogether. Or maybe not.

Request this product by character, or let us put a customized package in the mail for you - and don't worry about incompatible national style. Our homogenized, one-size -fits-all approach will do the trick. You may even be able to do guest performances without rehearsal! Call for a catalogue - 1-800-STR-TURN.

[glebb]

We also need "Magic Ribbon".

This product allows the ballerina to keep her ribbons tucked, and guarentees that they will not come undone during rehearsals and performances.

[Mel Johnson]

But "ballerina polish" must not be mistaken for "ballerina lacquer", which only provides the ability to do 32 fouettés, and/or pick the wax out of one's ear with one's kneecap and then be mistaken for an authentically polished ballerina.

[Leigh Witchel]

How about "Add-a-Coach" and "Rehearsal TimeExtender"? As implied in the original post, you can't just hand a can of polish to a poor ballerina and say, "Here. Put this on and learn it from the video."

[Alexandra]

Good idea. And don't forget

Brake

the nutritional supplement that packs a double whammy.

One -- limits height of extension to meet preferred company standards (special formula, obviously, per artistic director's wishes) and

Two -- insures that a dancer doesn't go on stage before s/he's ready.

Another under the counter nutritional supplement is

JetLag

insures that effects of jet lag last at least 72 hours, to prevent traveling and dancing on the same day.

(Otherwise, I loved Mary J's line of fine products )

[colwill]

Lineament

One teaspoon per member of the corpes de ballet before going on stage to ensure alignment of arms and legs.

[grace]

do you also stock 'Critic's Shampers' ? - only the tiniest taste obliterates all bad memories of the evening.

[Giannina]

How about "Applause-Pause": dispensed with the evening's program and guaranteed to limit applause to appropriate moments.

Please!

Giannina