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Gelsey Kirkland's "Dancing on my Grave"


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It seems to me she wanted something that NYCB or Balanchine didn't had to offer. I don't think it had to do with emotional support. What ballet company in the world was going to provide that?

The Russian dancers have personal coaches. I don't know how much emotional support they give, but having a mentor who is not making the artistic decisions, but is dedicated to their success and development, is a great form of support.

Balanchine was quoted regularly as telling his dancers not to listen to anyone else. A young dancer like Kirkland was entirely dependent on what Balanchine did and didn't give her in terms of attention and support, once he started to focus on her.

I'm sure there are companies where there are unique supportive relationships between the staff and dancers and older dancers and younger dancers, but I've never heard dancers describe this as if it were common.

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That is an interesting comment from Baryshnikov and it does fit in with Kirkland's accounts.

She stated that he made a comment to her that he had mother issues. And we sure as heck know that Kirkland had father issues. So by those facts alone, they were bound to clash. She also stated that he had a failed love affair with Makarova and it seemed to Kirkland that he purposely tried to set them against one another.

I have sympathy for Baryshnikov at this time. He ran away from his country, he had a huge paparazzi following and was hailed as the greatest dancer of the generation, even 20th century. He was the most famous dancer of the moment. All that attention had to have been nerve-wracking. So I could see how Kirkland's devotion, neediness and ascetic habits to the art would be intimidating and scary to Baryshnikov. He is the type of artist who doesn't need to think so much on process. Not in the way she loved to think about it. So her questions and rehearsal habits kind of made him experience a WTF reaction. And I have no doubt that he was deeply in love with her just as much as she was with him. But they were two very messed up people with a lot of pressure. I don't think it would have ever worked out happily.

One of the most affecting part of her book, Kirkland mentioned that long after the affair was over she saw that Baryshnikov had kept all the gifts she had given him from the past years they danced together. It made her cry.

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Another interesting corroboration of Kirkland's autobiography. She always stood by the fact that she thought Balanchine deliberately tried to take Baryshnikov down a few notches. It seemed an outrageous allegation so many years ago.

But in this recent interview of Patricia Neary (2011), Neary states that Balanchine got very angry at good press Baryshnikov received while dancing with NYCB.

https://youtu.be/sczJRVQOU-8

Kirkland was probably right in her assessment.

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Another interesting corroboration of Kirkland's autobiography. She always stood by the fact that she thought Balanchine deliberately tried to take Baryshnikov down a few notches. It seemed an outrageous allegation so many years ago.

But in this recent interview of Patricia Neary (2011), Neary states that Balanchine got very angry at good press Baryshnikov received while dancing with NYCB.

Kirkland was probably right in her assessment.

Thanks for the link. There are photos there I've never seen. Balanchine's jealousy is a sad thing to reckon with, although in this case, about the critics, he had a point.

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Looking back Gelsey Kirkland's memoirs really fit the outlines of the addiction/recovery memoir format. I've read so many of them and they generally check off the boxes:

1. Prodigious talent as a child

2. Family issues, including a cold, rejecting father

3. Distant father figure (in her case, Balanchine)

4. Unhappy love affairs (Baryshnikov, Martins)

5. A downward spiral of drugs and alcohol

6. Career falters due to drugs and alcohol

7. Recovery, new beginnings

It just so happened that the familiar figures of any addiction/recovery memoir were some of the most famous (and admired) men in the dance world. And that Kirkland's addictions, while privately gossiped about in the ballet world, were not widely known to the general public who still thought of her as the most adorable of Giselles and the most delicate of Sylphs.

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@canbelto

I'm starting to rethink #3 on your list.

One thing we have to keep in mind was that Kirkland was suffering long before her drug addiction. It had to have been some kind of personality disorder, depression or any other number of things.

The fact was, I think people did go out of their way to nurture her and she either shut them out or didn't believe their encouragement. By her own account, Balanchine seemed to have gone out of his way to complement her. But through her tortured eyes, she saw him as trying to set the other dancers at SAB and then NYCB against her. Or even worse, she thought he was mocking her. There are only so many times you can praise someone, who then sulks as though you gave them the blackest of curses, before you throw up your hands and say uncle. What could have Balanchine and the rest have done to get Kirkland to believe their admiration? Flowers, cards, balloons, acrobats, 3 ring circus, her favorite ballet staged with her favorite dancers plus signs saying "You're GREAT!" Even all that wouldn't have swayed her.

It's sad, she had so many wonderful experiences and she wasn't able to enjoy them.

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I'm not saying Balanchine intended to be a distant father figure, just that all of these types of memoirs have that kind of figure somewhere in the book. For example, Mike Tyson's addiction/recovery memoir has Don King as the distant, grasping father figure. Balanchine was like a lot of old-school Russian ballet teachers in that he was reticent with praise. For him, the highest praise was casting a dancer in a new ballet/important role. I don't think Balanchine exactly held anyone's hand. He showed his belief by casting and giving you opportunities, which he certainly gave galore to Kirkland.

Also, a feature of the addiction/recovery memoir is that all memories during the addiction period are colored by a dark shadow. Kirkland's book fits that to a tee. Kirkland's book was just shocking because the figures in her book were so admired/famous in the ballet world, and because it was so at odds with Kirkland's stage persona, which was that of a sweet ingenue.

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I found it interesting that when it came to Stravinsky, Kirkland said she hated his music even Firebird, one of his most accessible scores. She hated the costume, music and choreography for Firebird. It seems to me she wanted something that NYCB or Balanchine didn't had to offer. I don't think it had to do with emotional support. What ballet company in the world was going to provide that?

You'd have to ask Melissa Hayden-- now, alas, unavailable for comment -- that's where the quote about "emotional support" came from. I agree - mommy, daddy, or whatever other personal issues aside, Kirkland was seeking something artistically that wasn't available at NYCB.

We have to be fair to both ballerinas in regards to Balanchine. When everything went down, Farrell was a teenager and just 24 when she left NYCB. It wasn't fair that Balanchine pushed himself on such a young girl. I know there have been accounts from other dancers that Farrell played Balanchine but, I mean really, she was just a child. She had a right to be in love with a man closer to her own age. It wasn't right that Balanchine took out his anger on her husband. This was the reason why he "fired" her. She complained about this treatment and mentioned that she would leave and he said fine or something to that effect.

I'm not disagreeing with the foregoing, kaskait, although Farrell was old enough to notice that Balanchine had established a certain pattern. That's a long way from saying she "played" him, however. He actually could have behaved even worse in the period following Farrell's marriage. (I used the wrong word initially, Balanchine didn't can her but let her go after an unwise ultimatum issued by Farrell.)

But leaving the personal stuff aside, it was an artistic lose-lose for both of them.

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Kirkland's book was just shocking because the figures in her book were so admired/famous in the ballet world, and because it was so at odds with Kirkland's stage persona, which was that of a sweet ingenue.

I don't think "sweet ingenue" really capture Kirkland's stage persona, certainly not in the ABT years...maybe if the only role she had ever danced had been Clara. Kirkland's stage persona combined elements of vulnerability with a kind of transcendence that often made her seem otherworldly. Her dancing had an extremely pure, fluid quality that conveyed depths well, well beyond sweet, even as Clara. But it is very hard to put into words.

I think Kirkland's book was shocking because of its frankness about matters that people in the ballet world were and, in my opinion, sometimes still are, reluctant to discuss with any kind of candor at all. Of course she saw things her own way, and has even apologized (in a dance magazine interview) to Martins and Baryshnikov for going on the record with so much. It was quite unusual, too, for a former Balanchine ballerina to write about him in the way she did.

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I think Kirkland's book was shocking because of its frankness about matters that people in the ballet world were and, in my opinion, sometimes still are, reluctant to discuss with any kind of candor at all. Of course she saw things her own way, and has even apologized (in a dance magazine interview) to Martins and Baryshnikov for going on the record with so much. It was quite unusual, too, for a former Balanchine ballerina to write about him in the way she did.

That's true. Kirkland violated some sort of ballet omertà, and you'd have thought she was the only person in ballet who'd ever had an eating disorder or used drugs. She became the designated bad girl.

Of course, there are certain kinds of candor you don't have to apologize for. In her book,Twyla Tharp raved about Baryshnikov's performance in the bedroom, and somehow I doubt she'll ever feel obliged to say "Sorry I said that."

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@dirac

To be fair to Kirkland in her account of the Baryshnikov fracas, she was a young girl (about 23) when he swooped her up as a dance partner. Tharp was much older and an established choreographer when she had her relationship with him.

Kirkland was star struck and immature. I have no doubt that Baryshnikov took advantage of her because she was an easy mark and besides being Balanchine's little girl did not have as big a career as he did when they started in their dance partnership.

She made him pay for it all though...

But she'll never be able to live down the book. I think she is still the bad girl complete with a vision of her snarling, dressed in a motorcycle jacket and riding her chopper through ABT dance studios.

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Of course, there are certain kinds of candor you don't have to apologize for. In her book,Twyla Tharp raved about Baryshnikov's performance in the bedroom, and somehow I doubt she'll ever feel obliged to say "Sorry I said that."

And I don't think Lynn Seymour has ever been asked to apologized for her morning-after glow after her implied night with Peter Martins in her book.

But she'll never be able to live down the book.

I'm not so sure: ABT invited her back with her husband to collaborate on the last "Sleeping Beauty."

She may never be able to live *that* down.

I don't think "sweet ingenue" really capture Kirkland's stage persona, certainly not in the ABT years

I don't either: do we even need toes to count all of Balanchine's and Robbins' sweet and/or ingenue roles created before she left NYCB, like Columbine ("Harliquinade"), "Donizetti Variations," Swanhilde, first and second movement leads in "Stars and Stripes," Ballerina doll in "Nutcracker" maybe "Tarantella" and the second lead in "Scotch Symphony"?

It was quite unusual, too, for a former Balanchine ballerina to write about him in the way she did.

I guess all periods in SAB and NYCB history are odd in their own way, but she was at SAB during the Farrell years and joined NYCB in 1968 in time for Balanchine's dark times. I'd always read her descriptions of Balanchine in the context of what it would have been like for a pre-teen and teen-age girl, and one of the few locals who made it from the regular to professional tracks, to be in that competitive environment and gossip mill, especially as she describes how her father contributed to her negative body image and sense of womanliness, and having an older, already sexual sister, the extent of which she could only imagine. If I were 14 and were told that the man that everyone worshiped, interviewed, and wrote books about was copping feels in exchange for kitchen appliances, I would have had no idea what to do with that, aside being creeped out. It's not about whether or not it the talk was true: it was that this was how he was being spoken and whispered about, and here she was, entering what was supposed to be the Magic Kingdom and wondering whether or not it was the House of Horrors. How would she know what to believe?

The two main things I took away from that book were how unsafe she felt and how little trust she was able to have. That's a horrible place to be, especially with any conscience or sensitivity.

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[Admin note: kaskait's original post was deleted accidentally. To quote, please start with "kaskait wrote" and copy and pasted from this post.]

She staged her own Sleeping Beauty with her small company and it was a great success. So I'm thinking anything that happened at ABT wasn't all her fault.

In regards to Peter Martins, did Lynn Seymour try to build a relationship with him? Or was it just a fling? Those are two different aims. Kirkland mistakenly thought he had left Watts before he took up with her. But it turned out he didn't break up with her. He was merely using Kirkland as a buffer. I remember reading gossip columns from the 80's and it was written that the police were called to Watts/Martins apartment because their fights were so bad.

Add another corroborating check to Kirkland's book.

She may have been messed up psychologically and at the end a druggie but I don't think she was too far off the mark truth wise. Which is probably why she was never sued for slander.

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It was clearly a fling. However, the point is not whether the relationship between Seymour and Martins was serious, any more than the point was that Tharp's whatever-she-had with Baryshnikov was serious. The point is as long as sex and/or the relationship was portrayed in a positive light, especially when the man shows sexual prowess, few feel the need for an apology for disclosing intimate details.

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It was clearly a fling. However, the point is not whether the relationship between Seymour and Martins was serious, any more than the point was that Tharp's whatever-she-had with Baryshnikov was serious. The point is as long as sex and/or the relationship was portrayed in a positive light, especially when the man shows sexual prowess, few feel the need for an apology for disclosing intimate details.

True

But Kirkland's point was that neither Martins nor Baryshnikov engaged in relationships or sex with her in a positive light or good faith. One used her to get away from another woman and the other treated her like a blow up doll. Did we need to know that particulars? Probably not, but it was her catharsis not ours. And one of the reasons she ran from NYCB was Martins and her bitter disappointment over Baryshnikov was a big factor in her drug use. Nothing happens in a vacuum.

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